In this episode, we’ll explore how our early life experiences shape our adult relationships.
We’ll dive into the fascinating neuroscience behind emotional bonds. Most importantly, I’ll share practical strategies you can use to create healthier relationships in your own life.
G’day, I’m Lee Hopkins, a counselling psychologist, and you’re listening to the mindblown psychology podcast, where we tackle the tough mental health challenges that keep you up at night.
Do you ever lie awake at night replaying conversations you’ve had with your partner? Wondering why you reacted so strongly to something small?
Or maybe you’ve noticed a pattern. The same relationship problems keep showing up. Different people, same story. Despite your best efforts to choose differently.
Let me tell you something important: you’re not alone. Every week at my clinic, I meet people just like you. They’re all struggling with these same issues. Here’s the good news—psychology understands the science behind these patterns. Even better? We know exactly how to change them.
But first, let’s talk about why these patterns exist.
I want to share three stories with you. Each one shows a different side of attachment challenges.
First, there’s Sarah. She gets incredibly anxious if her partner doesn’t reply to texts within an hour.
Then there’s Mike. He takes pride in being completely self-sufficient. He rarely lets anyone get emotionally close.
And finally, Jennifer. She swings between two extremes. Sometimes she desperately wants closeness. Other times she pushes people away the moment they get too close.
Now, these behaviours might seem completely different. But they all stem from the same root: attachment insecurity.
Let’s look at the fascinating science behind this. Understanding what’s happening in your brain is the first step to making changes.
Your brain creates neural pathways during childhood. These pathways form based on your experiences with caregivers. Scientists call this your ‘internal working model’ of relationships. Think of it like your computer’s operating system. It runs in the background, and it influences how you process relationship information. Most of the time, you don’t even realize it’s there.
Let’s look at some fascinating research from the University of Melbourne’s Psychology Department. They’ve discovered something important about attachment patterns. These patterns activate specific regions in our brain. The main players here are the amygdala and anterior cingulate cortex.
Think of these areas like an overactive smoke alarm. When we’re triggered in relationships, they can completely hijack our rational thinking. Just like a smoke alarm that blares at the slightest hint of burning toast.
But here’s the exciting part. We can actually rewire these neural pathways. The science proves it. With consistent practice of new behaviours, we can create lasting change.
Now, let’s break down the four main attachment styles. Understanding where you fit is crucial for making changes.
Let’s start with secure attachment. These folks learned early on that people in their lives were reliable. They’ve developed a beautiful balance. They’re comfortable with both emotional intimacy and independence.
Think of them like our mighty eucalyptus trees in the bush. These trees have deep, strong roots. But they’re also flexible enough to bend with the wind. In relationships, these people have some amazing skills. They can express their needs clearly. They know how to set healthy boundaries. And when conflicts arise? They can work through them without losing their sense of self.
Next, we have anxious attachment. This is where Sarah fits in. These folks are hypervigilant about relationships. They often feel like they’re not quite good enough.
They’re like those sensitive native orchids you see in the rainforest. They need constant attention and they need perfect conditions to thrive. In relationships, they seek frequent reassurance. They might read negative meanings into neutral events. Sometimes they use protest behaviours – like excessive texting or emotional withdrawal – to get attention.
Then there’s avoidant attachment. This is Mike’s style. These individuals learned to rely mainly on themselves. They keep others at arm’s length emotionally.
They’re like those hardy desert plants that survive with minimal water. They’ve adapted to thrive with minimal emotional input. They might seem super independent, but often they’re missing out on the deep connection they secretly crave.
Finally, we have disorganized attachment. This is Jennifer’s style. It combines anxiety and avoidance. It often results from more complex early experiences.
These folks are like weather vanes in a storm. They spin between different responses. They struggle to find steady ground. They might intensely desire closeness. But at the same time, they feel terrified of it.
Now, here’s something crucial. I want you to really hear this:
Your attachment style is not your destiny.
Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains can form new pathways throughout our lives. This isn’t just feel-good psychology. It’s backed by hard science. Studies from the University of Sydney show significant changes in attachment patterns. These changes can happen within just six months of targeted intervention.
Let me share ten practical strategies you can start using today. For each one, I’ll give you specific examples of how to apply it.
Strategy One: The STOP Technique
This is your first line of defence when you feel triggered.
S stands for Stop what you’re doing
T means Take a step back
O is for Observe your thoughts and feelings
P reminds you to Proceed mindfully
Let me show you how this works in real life. Take Tom, one of my clients. He used to send angry texts whenever his partner was late. Using STOP changed everything. He learned to pause. He learned to observe his reaction. He discovered something important: His anger wasn’t really about his partner’s lateness, it was about childhood experiences of feeling unimportant. This awareness helped him respond more appropriately.
Strategy Two: The 90-Second Rule
Here’s a fascinating fact about your body’s stress response. That initial surge of stress chemicals? It only lasts about 90 seconds.
I want you to try this. When you feel triggered, count slowly to 90. Focus on your breathing while you count. This gives your rational brain – your prefrontal cortex – time to come back online.
Sarah used this technique brilliantly. She applied it whenever she felt the urge to check her partner’s social media. By the time she reached 90, that compulsive urge had usually decreased. This gave her space to make a conscious choice about her behaviour.
Strategy Three: The Empty Chair Technique
This might sound a bit strange at first. But it’s incredibly powerful. Here’s what you do: Set up an empty chair in front of you. Practice expressing your needs to it.
Start with this simple formula: “I feel… when… and I need…”
Let me give you an example. You might say: “I feel anxious when you don’t respond to my messages. And I need some reassurance about what that means.”
Mike found this technique particularly helpful. He’d never learned to express emotional needs. But practicing with an empty chair? That gave him the confidence to be vulnerable with real people.
Strategy Four: The Relationship Costs and Benefits Analysis
Think of this like doing a health check-up for your relationship patterns. Get yourself a journal. Create two columns.
In one column, write down what your current attachment patterns cost you. In the other, write what they protect you from. Include both immediate and long-term consequences. Think about emotional costs. Think about practical costs.
Jennifer tried this exercise. Her analysis revealed something important. Yes, her push-pull pattern protected her from potential rejection. But it was costing her the deep, stable relationships she craved. This clarity gave her the motivation to change.
Strategy Five: Gradual Exposure Technique
This is just like building muscle at the gym. You don’t start with the heaviest weights. You build up gradually.
If you’re avoidant, start with tiny acts of vulnerability. If you’re anxious, begin with small steps toward independence.
Let me share how this worked in real life. Sarah started small. She extended her ‘text response expectation time’ by just 15 minutes. Then she gradually increased it over weeks. Mike took a different approach. He began by sharing one small emotion each day with his partner.
Strategy Six: The Relationship Time Machine
Here’s an exercise that might surprise you. Write letters to your younger self about relationships.
Don’t worry – you won’t actually send these letters. They’re for you. They help you spot patterns. More importantly, they help you develop self-compassion. And research shows that self-compassion is crucial for changing attachment styles.
Strategy Seven: The Trigger Tracker
This is like becoming a detective in your own life. For two weeks, keep a detailed log of your relationship triggers.
Write down four things each time: What happened? What did you think? What did you feel? What sensations did you notice in your body?
This creates a map of your attachment patterns in action. It’s like having a GPS for your emotional responses.
Strategy Eight: The Security Anchoring Technique
Think back to moments when you felt secure in relationships. These moments might be brief. They might be rare. But they exist.
Create a detailed memory of these experiences. What did you see? What did you hear? What did you feel? Practice revisiting these memories when you feel triggered. They can become your emotional anchor in stormy times.
Strategy Nine: The Communication Pyramid
Think of this like a three-story building. Each level has its own purpose.
The ground floor is for facts. Just the plain, simple truth of what happened.
The middle floor is for feelings. Share your emotional experience.
The top floor is for requests. Make clear, specific asks.
Let’s try an example. Ground floor: “You were 30 minutes late.” Middle floor: “I felt worried and unimportant.” Top floor: “Next time, could you text me if you’re running late?”
Strategy Ten: The Relationship Reset Button
Sometimes you need a circuit breaker. This technique is perfect for those moments when you’re deep in an attachment trigger.
The key is to physically change something in your environment. Step outside for fresh air. Splash cold water on your face. Do ten jumping jacks. The physical change helps interrupt the emotional pattern.
Each of these strategies is like a tool in your relationship toolkit. You don’t need to use them all at once. Start with one that resonates with you. Practice it until it feels natural. Then add another.
Think of it like learning to cook. You start with simple recipes. As you get more comfortable, you try more complex dishes. Before you know it, you’re creating your own unique combinations.
Remember, changing these patterns is like learning to surf at Bondi. Or mastering cricket at the MCG. It takes time and practice. You’ll wipe out occasionally. But each attempt builds your skills.
The research is clear on this. With consistent practice, you can establish new relationship patterns. This can happen in as little as six months.
Let me emphasize something important here. Progress isn’t linear. You might take two steps forward and one step back. That’s completely normal. What matters is your overall direction.
Think about getting fit. Some days you can’t do as many push-ups as the day before. But over time, you’re getting stronger. The same applies here.
The key to success? Implement these strategies consistently. But be compassionate with yourself during the process. Remember, you’re rewiring neural pathways that have been in place for years.
It’s like trying to redirect the Murray River. It takes time and persistent effort. But it’s absolutely possible.
I’m Lee Hopkins, reminding you that your experiences are valid, even when others don’t understand them.
If this episode triggers any thoughts, please leave a comment on the podcast’s page, or drop me a line: [email protected]. And if you found this podcast helpful, please leave a review on the podcast page.
You can listen to this podcast on the Apple Podcast platform. I don’t publish on Spotify for ethical reasons.
Until next time, take care of your mind—it’s the only one you’ve got.