In this episode, we’ll explore the fascinating world of self-esteem, and we’ll look at why it matters to our mental health and relationships.
Most importantly, I’ll share practical strategies to help you find your own self-esteem sweet spot, no matter where in the world you’re listening from.
G’day, I’m Lee Hopkins, a counselling psychologist, and you’re listening to the mindblown psychology podcast, where we tackle the tough mental health challenges that keep you up at night.
Whether you’re listening from a high-rise apartment in Ho Chi Minh City, a suburban home in Melbourne, or anywhere else in our wonderfully diverse world, self-esteem affects us all. It’s a universal human experience that crosses all cultural boundaries.
Picture this: You’re at a gathering with friends or family. Someone’s just complimented your cooking. How do you respond? Do you brush it off with a quick dismissal? Or do you launch into a detailed explanation of your expertise, complete with your grand plans to open a restaurant?
Your response tells us something fascinating about your self-esteem. And here’s the kicker—neither reaction might be ideal.
Let me share something that might surprise you. Having too much self-esteem can be just as problematic as having too little. It’s like trying to find the perfect Goldilocks balance—not too hot, not too cold, but just right.
I see this play out every day in my practice, both in Australia and with my clients in Vietnam. Take James, a brilliant software engineer. Despite his impressive skills, he constantly downplays his achievements. He’s got impostor syndrome written all over him.
Then there’s Linh, a marketing executive in Ho Chi Minh City who’s so confident in her abilities that she can’t understand why her team seems to resist her leadership. She’s got what we call excessive self-esteem.
Both James and Linh are struggling, just at opposite ends of the spectrum.
Now, here’s something most people don’t realise about self-esteem. It’s not a fixed trait, like your height. It’s more like your fitness level—it can be developed, maintained, or even dialled back if needed.
Let’s dive into what healthy self-esteem actually looks like. Think of it like a well-balanced meal—satisfying without being excessive.
Someone with healthy self-esteem can:
- Accept both praise and criticism with grace
- Take reasonable risks without being reckless
- Acknowledge their mistakes without beating themselves up
- Celebrate their successes without diminishing others
But here’s where it gets interesting. Research shows that about 85% of people worldwide struggle with self-esteem issues at some point in their lives. That’s a remarkably consistent statistic across cultures.
Let me share three practical strategies to help you find your self-esteem sweet spot.
First, we have the ‘Reality Check‘ technique. When you catch yourself thinking either ‘I’m hopeless’ or ‘I’m brilliant’, pause. Ask yourself: ‘What would someone who cares about me say about this situation?’ This gives you a more balanced perspective.
Second, practice what I call the ‘Honest Feedback‘ approach. Keep a journal for a week. Write down both your successes and your struggles. Be honest with yourself—as honest as you’d be with your closest friend.
Third, use the ‘Growth Mindset‘ method. Instead of saying ‘I can’t’ or ‘I’m the best’, try ‘I’m learning’ or ‘I’m improving’. This keeps you humble while acknowledging your progress.
Now, here’s something that might challenge your thinking. Many people believe self-esteem comes from achievement. But there’s more to it than that. Much more.
Healthy self-esteem actually comes from a combination of:
- Realistic self-awareness
- Genuine self-acceptance
- Balanced self-improvement efforts
Let me share a story about Minh, a small business owner in District 1 of Ho Chi Minh City. He Zoomed me because he felt he wasn’t ‘good enough’ compared to his university-educated friends. Through our work together, he discovered something powerful—his practical business sense and people skills were just as valuable as any degree.
Minh’s journey taught me something important. Sometimes, the path to healthy self-esteem isn’t about changing who you are—it’s about changing how you see who you are.
Now, let me share some practical exercises you can start using today. These work regardless of your cultural background or where you live.
Exercise One: The Morning Mirror Practice
Each morning, look in the mirror and name three things you appreciate about yourself. One about your appearance, one about your character, and one about your abilities. For example: ‘I have kind eyes, I’m reliable, and I’m good at solving problems.’
Do this for two weeks straight. It might feel uncomfortable at first. But stick with it. The discomfort is part of the growth.
Exercise Two: The Balanced Achievement Journal
Get yourself a notebook or open a notes app on your phone. Each evening, write down:
- One thing you did well today
- One thing you could improve
- One thing you learned
The key here is balance. We’re not looking for perfection or beating ourselves up. We’re aiming for honest reflection.
Exercise Three: The Feedback Framework
This one’s particularly powerful. When someone gives you feedback—positive or negative—try this three-step process:
First, take a deep breath. Give yourself that moment to centre yourself.
Second, say ‘thank you for sharing that with me.’ This acknowledgment creates space between the feedback and your reaction.
Third, ask yourself: ‘What can I learn from this?’ Notice I didn’t say ‘Is this true or false?’ That’s too simplistic. Instead, we’re looking for the learning opportunity.
Here’s something that might surprise you: Sometimes, what looks like low self-esteem is actually perfectionism in disguise. And what appears to be high self-esteem might be a cover for deep insecurity.
Think about that for a moment. It’s like judging a book by its cover—we often miss the deeper story.
So how do you know if your self-esteem needs adjusting? Here are three questions to ask yourself:
- Can you accept compliments without deflecting or elaborating?
- Do you make decisions based on what you want, rather than what others expect?
- Can you admit mistakes without feeling like a complete failure?
If you answered ‘no’ to any of these, don’t worry. Remember, self-esteem is like a muscle—it can be strengthened with the right exercises.
Practice all these exercises for a month. Keep track of your progress. Notice how your reactions to praise and criticism start to shift. It’s like watching a garden grow—the changes are subtle at first, but they add up to something beautiful.
Remember, developing healthy self-esteem is like training for any significant achievement. You wouldn’t expect to master a skill overnight. Start small, be consistent, and celebrate your progress along the way.
I’m Lee Hopkins, reminding you that your experiences are valid, even when others don’t understand them.
If this episode triggers any thoughts, please leave a comment on the podcast’s page, or drop me a line: [email protected]. And if you found this podcast helpful, please leave a review on the podcast page.
You can listen to this podcast on the Apple Podcast platform. I don’t publish on Spotify for ethical reasons.
Until next time, take care of your mind—it’s the only one you’ve got.